Your fear of looking stupid is making you look stupid

Your fear of looking stupid is making you look stupidYour fear of looking stupid is making you look stupidAccording to psychological research, the greatest emotional need is security.Who doesnt want to be liked?Yet, trying to be liked and living in alignment with your goals and values often conflict. That is if youre trying to be liked by everyone.John Lennon once said, Trying to please everybody is impossible - if you did that, youd end up in the middle with nobody liking you. Youve just got to make the decision about what you think is your best, and do it.Wanting approval and needing approval are two very different things. We all want approval. But when you need itYou come off as desperateYou say yes to stuff that clearly doesnt resonateYou lack an internal compassYour relationships are co-dependent, one-sided, surface-level, and bound to fall fremdlndisch at some future pointYour need for approval has you eating unhealthy foods you dont want to eat.It has you working on projects youre not excited about.It has you ruminating and obsessing about problems and regrets you could easily remove or fix.Joyce Meyer, in her book, Approval Addiction Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone, explains that the need for approval stems from insecurity, which is often the product of some form of abuse - physical, verbal or emotional.The addiction for approval is fueled by unhealthy emotionsguiltshameangerNone of these emotions are a healthy foundation for creating relationships with yourself or other people.If you want to live a life of purpose, youll need to let go of your need for approval. Youll need to be willing to follow your gut. To express your views. To be honestHealthy relationships involve conflict and differencesWhere are you NEEDING approval in unhealthy ways?It is there if youll be honest with yourself. Rather than sending a text or email, actually call or meet with that person. dessin the courage to have a real conversation and express your feelings.This is practice. But its also self-care and self-love. If you truly love and respect yourself, youll deal with the difficult emotions of learning to honestly express yourself. If you do not do this, you will inevitably repeat the pattern in the future.Your time on this planet is very brief. It shouldnt be spent doing what you hate. It shouldnt be lived in fear of what others think.Relationships can be so deep and genuine and real. Conflict, it turns out, is one of the surest paths to intimacy.When two people feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, theyre willing to have honest and sometimes difficult conversations. Theyre willing to disagree. They dont have to see eye-to-eye on all things. In fact, they shouldnt.When conflict arises, its not about the relationship, but about getting clarity and moving forward with whatever they are working on.Your security should be internalAn abundance mentality springs from internal security, not from external rankings, comparisons, opinions, posses sions, or associations. - Stephen R. CoveySecurity is the greatest human need. Yet, security should be internal. Even when things are falling apart externally, you need to be willing to trust yourself. Of course, you need good friends to help and support you. But until your security is internal, youll never be able to be fully honest in your relationships in the first place.Youll be tossed to and fro with every external situation around you.You cant actually give genuine service or gifts if youre desperately needing approval from others. Because anything you give to them is really to gain something for yourself - approval. Its desperate and unhealthy.Hence, Covey explained that abundance comes from being internally secure.As Jody Williamson, one of the top salesmen in the United States, teaches his employees, you must believe you are independently wealthy, and that you dont NEED this particular prospect.When you truly believe and know you are fine and secure without THIS relationsh ip or THIS opportunity, then you can act honestly and genuinely. You wont come off desperate. If it doesnt work out, youll keep going. Life is fine. Ironically, this is also how to get into a flow, be present, and perform at your highest level.Only in this way will you attract the opportunities and relationships that resonate with the person you intend to become.Its okay to look stupid at 99% of lifeYour fear of looking stupid is making you look stupid. - RuPualHilariously, people avoid asking for advice because they dont want to look incompetent. Yet, research from Harvard Business School found that when you ask people for help, directions, or advice, it actually makes other people believe youre MORE competent.If you tell people, no, theyll be initially hurt but will respect you more.Memory is very short (this will be forgotten)Short-term memory has a fairly limited capacity it can hold about seven items for no more than 20 or 30 seconds at a time. - Science.howstuffworksPeople hav e very short memories. Almost every experience you have youll permanently forget within 30 seconds. Like, youll never recall it.Think about all the things youve done today. Most of it youll never recall.When you ask someone for advice, theyll quickly forget about it.When you get rejected by someone, theyll quickly forget it. As will you.When you reject an opportunity, both of you will likely forget about it.The point is, seeking the wrong approval is extremely costly. And avoiding the wrong approval is very cheap. Because if you do it kindly, the relationship will actually be strengthened, and both parties will quickly forget about it anyways.Seeking the wrong Golden StarsWho is giving you stupid Gold Stars in life? And what are they costing you? - Craig BallantyneNeeding approval puts you in a position of seeking the wrong golden stars, in life.Does it feel good to have someones approval? Of course. But it also feels terrible getting the wrong peoples approval because youre interna lly conflicted.In such cases, you actually resent the person youre seeking approval from. How messed-up is this?Rather than seeking stupid golden stars of approval, Craig Ballantyne recommends asking yourselfWho should I be seeking approval from?Who are the people I really want to be serving?Who are the people I really want to be working with?You cant please everyone.If a writer tries to please everyone, they will have no audience.If a person tries to please everyone, they will have no genuine relationships. All relationships will be transactions. Conversely, transformational relationships can only happen when all parties are givers, who genuinely want to be there and are not constantly keeping score. All parties need to be healthily independent of the relationship so they can create interdependence where transformation and growth can happen.Quantity is the path to qualityIts better to be prolific than perfect. - Joe PolishIf you want to get good at something, you cant NEED approval from other people. The people who matter will love you anyways.Youre going to need to fail a lot.In the book Originals, Adam Grant explains that originals (i.e., people who create innovative work) are not reliable. In other words, not everything they produce is extraordinary.For example, among the 50 greatest pieces of music ever created, six belong to Mozart, five are Beethovens, and three Bachs. But in order to create those, Mozart wrote over 600 songs, Beethoven 650, and Bach over 1,000.Similarly, Picasso created thousands of pieces of art, and few are considered to be his great works. Edison had 1,900 patents, and only a handful we would recognize. Albert Einstein published 248 scientific articles, only a few of which are what got him on the map for his theory of relativity.If Mozart welches concerned about the approval of others for every piece he wrote, he wouldnt have written so many. His perfectionism would have created procrastination.Perfectionism isnt about you. Its abou t an unhealthy need for approval. Its about a fear of failure and looking incompetent. Its the opposite of courage. And its the opposite of mastery.This article originally appeared on Medium.